With the year winding down, I have been putting a lot of thought to what I learned in my new business, what things I wish I had done (or not done) and what I want to do in the New Year. There is something really powerful about not just thinking about it but actually writing it on paper. For me, it can be therapeutic.
That lead me to journaling the other night with the intention of really evaluating the last year. That in turn forced me to think about a question I have been asked many times since I started, but I never put much thought to. “How many clients do you need to earn what you want to earn?”
I started playing around with numbers, like how many clients, how many times a week, etc would I need to make a respectable income? I calculated fairly conservatively, and I will say this. The number that came back astounded me. Like how is that possible? Can I really make that?
Since I was not convinced and did not trust my shitty math skills, I proceeded to calculate at least 6 different numbers with different figures, and they all came back higher than I expected. Why have I had it in my head the last year that IF I am lucky enough, I will earn a third of that?
Something shifted for me. I had one of those major breakthrough moments. It became very clear to me what has been happening behind the scenes of my brain, deep deep down.
I have spent more than the last year calming myself down at the loss of income I gave up when I left the corporate world. My energy has been spent trying to accept that loss and be ok with spending way more than I am earning.
Yet, every time I spent money or paid a bill, I got crazy anxiety. I repeatedly, despite my best efforts, went to that place of fuck, what happens when I spend x dollars, or y dollars or I only have z dollars to my name? Whenever that fear emerged, I would I have to start shifting my mindset and finding all the Law of Attraction I have in me to tell myself it is going to be ok. I am going to always be okay.
Which is not necessarily bad but it is not enough. It is like the time you spend calming down a hysterical child. You expend so much energy to make them feel better, than when they calm down, you are just relieved. And you move on about your day.
What I realize is that I have had to calm myself down so much because with a focus on this constant acceptance of what I gave up, I was not truly giving myself the chance to believe I do have income potential in what I am doing. It was about accepting a loss (almost like grieving on a much smaller scale).
Part of why I have been so stuck is because on some level, even when I try to ignore it, I have reminders of others before me who have tried to do what I am doing and have not been successful. I see a lot of posts in a Personal Trainers group about their struggles and how they want to give up or how they are not earning much money. So without even realizing it, I get imprisoned in a mindset of “Well why would I be arrogant enough to think I can do any better?”
But fuck. That. I can. And I will. All those stories and people, they are not me. I cannot compare or parallel my experience or qualifications an industry. I have to do what works for me, which could be the same exact thing someone else did without results. That does not mean my outcome will be the same.
I realized it tonight simply by just putting in writing some basic numbers. Yes my target for how many clients that would require seems very distant from where I am but that certainly does not make it impossible.
I have to stop living in a place of making peace with what I gave up. It is holding me back far more than I realized. Ironically, I had really believed I was doing an admirable job at practicing everything I took in from reading The Law of Attraction. (Which without going down the Law of Attraction rabbit hole, the main principle is about putting positive words and desires into the universe and thinking in abundance).
I do whole heartedly with every ounce of my being agree with the fundamentals behind it. I really believed I was practicing that. And I was and I am. But I am still combating that idea of loss and thinking about what I no longer have.
There was something really powerful about putting down on paper a list of my current clients and how many more I want to connect with. Seeing that forced me to stop holding onto this idea that I will never make six figures again and that I HAVE to accept and be okay with making a quarter of what I had.
I have spent so much time finding ways to cut down my expenses, which obviously is a necessity. I leased a much less expensive car, I found more affordable health insurance, and I am much more intentional with how I spend (and not doing it frivolously).
I recognize I have to do that but do I have to every time that I make those choices, talk myself down from that childlike hysteria analogy?
Maybe this all normal. I have no idea if other people have experienced this. And I likely needed to have experienced all this to get me to the next level of my journey.
Because I thought I was ready for what I wanted but I really was not. I can see that clearly now.
My intention then for 2019 is to release this attachment I have to what I used to make or the freedom I had. I will have it again. And sooner than I expect. I am ready to embrace what is out there for me that I have yet to uncover. For the first time in a year, I am truly excited and optimistic.